Disappointed

April 14th 2010

What a week! It is school holidays at the moment so my routine has been thrown of kilter and I think my productivity is suffering because of it. You might argue that the holidays aren’t meant for productivity, but my artist’s goals and ambitions don’t go to sleep because term time is over…and without a bit of imposed routine it’s hard to keep on top of everything.

In a few months my residency runs out (help!) so I’m looking for a new job and home. I found a really amazing job that I spent many (many, many) hours last week preparing and writing. I had myself 4 references lined up, updated a bunch of my training, spoke with numerous people about it and had edited and re-edited the application many times over. The opportunity seemed so in line with what I anticipated the next step of my journey might look like and seemed like a really good opportunity to bring together a handful of my different skills and experiences etc. I thought it was ‘too good to be true’ and probably God’s provision.

When I went to submit the application I found that the vacancy had been closed early due to sufficient applications. Truly gutted! I definitely cried…

I still feel so frustrated to have spent so much time writing the application when on one is even going to read it. It’s easy to say it’s not a waste of time, but it’s hard to feel like that when there are tons of other things I could have spent my time on – e.g. application for another job, preparation for an upcoming exhibition, application for an exhibition opportunity I’ve had my eye on for ages etc. Believing in an all knowing God it’s difficult to work out what value He found in all that time spent last week.

The good and encouraging news… is that I was contacted by Sophie Ronson from the local council in Watford offering me a gallery space for June, I think. I’m waiting to find out some details about it (e.g. dates, conditions of using the space etc) but if the offer remains open and I go ahead with it, it would be a really exciting opportunity for a community specific project. I feel one hundred times out of my depth most of the time, particularly within the time limitations of something like this, but excited for a challenge.

I read a thought for the day most days from a book called ‘My Utmost for His Highest’ by Oswald Chambers. I read this just the other day and it resonated with me spirit…



‘Cast Thy Burden upon the Lord’ Ps. 55:22

“We must distinguish between the burden-bearing that is right and the burden-bearing that is wrong. We ought never to bear the burden of sin or doubt but there are burdens placed on us by God which He does not intend to lift off. He wants us to roll them back onto him. …If we undertake work for God and get out of touch with Him, the sense of responsibility will be overwhelmingly crushing; but if we roll back onto God that which He has put upon us, He takes away the sense of responsibility by bringing in the realisation of himself.”



…it made me think, because the weight of responsibility, working on my own, investing money in my own artwork, taking responsibility for the choices about what my life will look like etc certainly feels overwhelming to me, if not at times overwhelmingly crushing.